Inner Healing Through God: Laying Down a Lifetime of Pain
- meetgodattheedgeof
- Jun 9
- 3 min read
Today's testimony is brought to you by our Heavenly Father.
This is another embarrassing subject to write about.
Inner healing is a process unlike any other. In a moment of realization, I finally released a load I've been carrying for most of my life. The process started after removing this junk, like an old stinky backpack, and laying it at my Lord's feet.
My childhood had a lot of great parts to it, and I am thankful for that. In other areas, a lack of safety, love, and the presence of physical and emotional abuse set me on a path I had no idea about at the time. My body was laughed at and picked apart by someone who should have loved me. My mistakes led to physical abuse and punishment that far exceeded my crime.
I remember staying up some nights planning to run away and try to make it on my own. It was the only decision I had that made me feel like I had some power.
During this time, I started to change. I went from being a loud, wild, outgoing kid to quiet and insecure. Doing chores around the house, I would refuse help and opt to do them all on my own. This, in my mind, would guarantee that it was done correctly and help me avoid punishment. Through this, I learned to be thorough and to work hard the first time so I didn't have to do it again.
That was a great thing to learn, and it helped a lot during my career.
Thank God for allowing something good to come from those tough times.
On the other side of that, it made me very self-conscious. Looking back, I see that I started to crave validation from people, especially women, while feeling like I would never get it. That slippery slope ended with objectifying women, and as it turns out, women don't like that.
The next step was turning to pornography, which led to a deep, dark pit. This ruined relationships by causing me to look for someone through tainted goggles and set unrealistic expectations. There were times when the wonder of whether it was ever going to improve dug an even deeper hole because I saw no hope.
I knew of God, but I didn't know God.
I had been a part of church from my earliest memories until I was old enough to choose to walk away. Walking away didn't bring any guilt or bad feelings because it wasn't real to me.
If the person I knew who did this to me was a believer, how could it be real?
Fast forward over a decade later, and I met a woman who loved me without me having to buy anything or do anything for her. I didn't know this existed, especially for me.
Through the great loss of my dad, I was driven into the arms of my Heavenly Father. I wanted to go back to church and see what God had for me. God met me in church that day. I felt a physical embrace, and the song my dad and I listened to the night he passed was played during the service.
I started to see that God was real and that He wanted me even though I felt disgusting and gross. I felt loved and wanted again. This set me on the path to where I am now.
By the grace of God, I am now finally experiencing inner healing through God from that trauma.
Thirty years later!
I've removed that stinky, nasty, and depressing pile of poo from my back and laid it down at the feet of my Heavenly Father. It was only through seeking to live according to God's will that I was even made aware that I needed inner healing through God. I look at it and think that if I had been in a different situation growing up, I may have gone my whole life without knowing.
I have new desires backed up by the grace of God, and that, my friends, is changing everything.
What the enemy meant for evil, God meant for good.
Thank you, Father, for one more day. Amen.
This journey of inner healing through God has shown me that our Heavenly Father can redeem even the deepest wounds and use them for His glory.
